A blip n a wobble

Hi, thank you for dropping by!

I have been absent for a while.

Mentally things have been pretty tricky and I have been close to crisis point a few times. I have survived by focusing on work which itself has had its own challenges, but honestly between us, I have had a few blips and wobbles which have caused me anger and frustration.

I think focus has its place and something I am not that great on.

HOW TO FOCUS?

For me, I have to look further than normal… I call it “the end game” or “the bigger picture” or even “the long game”

I have been struggling with some of life’s fundamental questions AGAIN!

Who am I?

what am I about?

What do I want to achieve?

These are important questions to me as for some unknown reason I need purpose, I crave purpose but also valid reasoning behind them.

To brake these down then:

Who am I?

For those of us who have low self esteem, or have had bad experiences or hear those voices on repeat (I am not talking about schizophrenia) but those of WORTHLESSNESS etc etc, I do not need to go into detail… trying to play new voices on repeat that overcome these is hard. It is not as simple as “snap out of it” or “stop feeling sorry for yourself” These are genuine, crippling, voiced together of years of those words that stuck. You never intended them too, you wish you could vanquish them, however they are there, and some of us live with them.

#words can hurt, #words can scar.

WHO AM I? is also a search for “SELF IDENTITY” Sometimes we can lose ourselves in life, and lose ourselves in identities that are either fake, or shallow, or roles we have to play, or through survival. I wonder which of the “me’s” I have to play is the real “me?”

I re- learned recently when I “got lost” walking home that sometimes you have to get lost in order to be found…but also the question is, were you really lost at all, is a diversion a lost path?

I walked past a reflection the other day – I hate reflections of myself, but I looked, well, glanced. What I saw surprised me. I saw “strong” “proud” “independent” “Fierce” “focused” words I would never associate myself with. That morning was a good productive morning. Ouch I said “productive” another word I never use!

WHAT AM I ABOUT? This question is slightly harder and required some soul searching as again, the temptation is to go into default mode of..”nothing” “I have nothing” “I offer nothing” “I am nothing” and while there are some out there that would love to have me believe this – this is far from the truth and one of those lies of the devil. So I pondered….

I am about helping others, being someone that can be relied on, being a good worker, good friend, good parent. I am a reflector, I am a LIFE CHANGER! I am a being who does not give up in the face of adversity. I am a human being!

What makes us a human being? – what separates us from the animal kingdom? a blog for another time maybe.

I have wanted to walk away from my blog world this last few weeks. I keep asking myself WHAT IS THE POINT of them? of course not said in any positive or productive way.

A friend said recently as I was about to walk away and close up shop, said this..

“what you have to say is important. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t say it. If someone does not comment or whatever, it does not mean that it isn’t read or it hasn’t helped someone. You just do not know!”

My friend asked me what the blog was about…and I told her the content..

At this point my friend went quiet. “Don’t stop writing!” she said.. They are important issues, very important” She turned her head away from me.

At that beautiful moment I realized a deeper side to my friend as though she had confessed something without actually confessing it… I knew as hard as I found it, I had to keep writing.

WHAT DO I WANT TO ACHIEVE? – world fame, recognition, riches? The truth is I really did not know, and perhaps this is why my blogs lacked direction, because I lack direction. My life was reflecting my mindset – chaotic. Perhaps it was hard to ask myself what I wanted to achieve. I was used to riding the waves of life, let others direct me, control me as though what I wanted did not matter, perhaps I did not care!

My parents and teachers would say “he can do anything when he puts his mind to it”

and I guess they were right… but truthfully this was too much like hard work. Do not get me wrong I am not lazy, I just have to seek purpose and meaning to what I want to achieve, and who for! I did not want to compete with others. I did not want to set myself up to fail or to maintain an unsustainable level of achievement.

I began to contemplate my memorable achievements. WHAT ARE YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS?

I used to play a game called “paperboy” on my computer – I wanted to be a paper boy! – I became a paperboy -loved it.

I wanted to work in a fast food place because I love burgers and fries – I got a job working in a fast food place and got to eat burgers n fries. I also got fired as I ate too many burgers and fries.

I wanted to get paid for drinking and chatting to people in bars – I later did get a job doing that.

I wanted a job where I was paid to sleep – I am currently in a job where I get paid to sleep.

I wanted to WRITE AND EARN MONEY ON LINE – I am a little way there.

so my new mission or part of: is to travel and write and eat cake and write and drink coffee and write..oh and get paid at the same time would be great.

As I do have a charitable side I would have to help others to a capacity of sorts.

While out in the community I went to Mcdonalds… and there I was speaking on the phone when a guy began talking to me.

As I invited him over we chatted through life and issues and more life. The guy left with a smile and hope! saying “I haven’t smiled in ages”

Another friend.. needed spirits lifting.. so we spoke and I encouraged him.

It is as if in my desperation I was calling out about my purpose suddenly it is like God made appointments came my way of opportunities to help people where I could offer value. Helping others helps me.

This theme of lack of FEELING VALUED seems to be popping up a lot in peoples lives and work places- all around!

I think if I could change the name of this blog again – which I will not , I would call it the “rest room”

Here is the place where I can be real, be honest, be me, and share. This blog will never be for everyone, it may never be for anyone, but it could be for someone, and that is enough for me.

The future of my blog adventures.

I continue to write for Fedupofbeingpoor please do go and visit, any tips or comments welcome. It is an insight on a mission of striving to thrive rather than survive.

I have just started a link page to a RESOURCE site I am setting up. While it is bare boned at the moment it will be a hub and hive of activity. Feel free to check that out but it is in its infancy. The throne Room

There is also my GPDR policy on there for all my sites.

I will continue to write here. I re- named this site as it relates to a refining process I am going through.

If you need a chat, direction, or someone to listen, or your spirit lifting. Get in touch

thanks for following

God bless you all <><

Steven Alexander

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Pay for a F?

Hi All, Welcome!

waving dog

Welcome to today’s juicy and controversial post…

One of ethics, morals,.. would you? Could you? Have you ever? would you share if you had? whether it is for an hour or day, maybe night? I am not one to judge nor pass comment… I have even considered it myself…..

Still reading on? do you dare?

I cannot contain myself for much longer, so I am going to just come out with it, because friends, this is certainly messing with my head this concept.

Let me ease you in gently……..

would you “rent a friend?”

A while ago on a money making site I stumbled upon while being poor – which I still am, anyway… I read an article about people who would pay another person to hug them.

I am not really a hugging kind of guy, so it did not appeal to me, but maybe for a few dollars.. well I could reconsider my phobia… but I just shrugged this off as one of those funny to read articles…..UNTIL…..

PING PING PING

An email pops up in my mail box asking if I would consider being paid to be someones friend – “purely platonic” simply sometimes someone may need a friend to go to the movies or out to dinner or to a party… it sounds like being an escort to me… but the site goes on….

I make a coffee, because this could get interesting… I am actually thinking, I could be someones friend, I could be a good friend.. I think…and begin to imagine what my profile would read as I begin to drift through these profiles….It still screams escorting to me (not that I am against that) but… I remain intrigued… I take a few more sips, and then …

spit out coffee coffee everywhere, all over my keyboard doh…

“There are … reasons why you may want to rent a mom or a dad.  Perhaps you have parents who are not very understanding of your relationships, yet your significant other wants to meet them?  Rather than upset your real mom or dad with your new “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, hire a stand-in mom and dad to take the place and pretend they are thrilled with your new partner! Your significant other will be happy, and your parents will have no clue!”

yes this is for real!

So now I am thinking, perhaps I could rent a mom, or better still when i next play my dad is harder than your dad.. I can just rent one…..

The possibilities are beginning to be endless… I am just waiting for….

grandma2  “Rent a grandma” I do not know who this fine good looker is, but I reckon she would love a good roller coaster or bake the meanest cake this side of the world, or ride the coolest motorbike….with just her gums….

and yes it is true, not on the same site but here…..

rent gran one  free advertising of me….

So then lovely folks…. I can be found on “Facebook”, here on my blog, on “Linkd In”…

I am available as a paid friend should you require one….

Live the other side of the world……No problem –  I like to write.. I could be your international pen pal, I like to travel…I am kinda funny….

On a serious note though…. I am a missionary on a mission, of sorts, a good Samaritan, a good luck hobo, a fallen angel…more poor philanthropist on low wage trying to make his way in the world, help others who need help,  and maybe one day earn some money from all my free advertising of great sites such as the above.

Be a pal for life – Support a pal

Perhaps you may just want to…….rent a friend, mom, dad or grandma

I did not sign up:) even though I want to raise funds to one day visit America if I  can get past homeland.

Have a great day….

Please do follow me – FREE FREE for more comedy or thoughtful posts.

 

“Value Added without being taxing”

Welcome friends, and friends who I have not yet met.

Good to have you here.

This is a place to chill, grab a drink, maybe put some music on, and enjoy……..

I really want to start off this blog with a huge “thank you” to all who view, follow, and support this journey.

From the bottom of my heart:

thank you

 

This is merely just the start and much more to come, so buckle up folks!

There will be laughter, tears, openness, confessions, real life struggles, you name it..it is real, it is life, and what is more YOU ARE INVITED to be a part of not only my story, my journey, but also to help others.

We live in such a broken world with so many broken people, wounded, yet beautiful without being told it or know. Some people have given up thinking that there are good folks still out there, I know there are…YOU!

Many of these folk feel they have no value, nothing to offer – but I want to prove them wrong.

Many of us do not value or even know what we have to offer.

Do you ever ask yourself that – “what do I have to offer?” I know I do.

Sometimes even the offering we have does not seem to make us feel valued – can anyone relate?

So many people I know are people pleaser’s, and this is so humbling if you are one of these or who know people like these, but often deep down these are often the saddest and loneliest people I know, hiding their insecurities behind looking after others. A lot of my friends are certainly these type.

I think what is worse to hear sometimes and even sadder is when they tell me that they do not feel listened to. I always feel convicted when I hear this, because as good as I think I am at listening, I have to question, AM I a good listener?

There is a beautiful word that I like to use (and which I am working on) which is “honor” – How can I show that I honor someone, value them, show them that I am listening? If their experience is that they are not used to those things, how can I be different.

I WANT TO BE DIFFERENT! counter cultural even that.

>>>>>DARE TO BE DIFFERENT.<<<<<

I would like to leave with a beautiful quote from a blog I saw when I was thinking about this topic. It certainly gave me soul food for thought. I hope you like it.

know your worth

It’s also incredibly important to know your own value as a person. We’re all amazing, unique, gifted individuals, and yet we don’t inherently know that. We tend to place our worth in the hands of others, and usually people who don’t deserve any say in how worthy we truly are. Your worth isn’t defined by whether or not someone else loves, sees, values, appreciates, or adores you, it’s inherent. You are worthy because you’re alive. Regardless of your mistakes and failures, you’re worthy of an amazing life and complete happiness. If you want others to see and appreciate you for who you truly are, know and honor that worth. Never settle for less than you deserve, don’t tolerate being treated like garbage, and always demand the absolute best for yourself in every situation.

Please do check out the link for other ways to be seen, be loved and valued for who you really are – Perhaps one day I  could write a whole book on this.

Have a kind day:)

Please do  follow me, or drop me a line in confidence  if you need to chat, I do not charge, I do not pass on information.

God bless you and do say hello:) 

 

Evolve -Trying New Things

Welcome, welcome,

Bloggers and friends, please forgive this random video, I am being experimental. As I develop the site and myself, you may see some odd things appear. This is part of my journey in trying new things.

Some may not work, but at least I had a go:)

I created this with the photos the right way round and the app decides to turn them round.. so please forgive this page in progress:)

The music is missquerada “far from love”

I am trying to unsuccessfully to create a small music video:(

Thanks to  my great friend Hannah Edwards and  the  best Slimming world (yes it works) consultant this side of lake Tahoe – forget the rest join with the best “Ali M Burrell” for their tips.

On a more positive note and more successful. I have started doing a similar thing(hopefully better) for my daughters Birthday. I have two months to perfect it.

Just trying a new thing here -please bare with me “a B.I.T ”

(Blogger In Training)

Speaking of blogs, a quick mention to the awesome author of freshfolium.wordpress.com who sent me a lovely email.

Please do send me emails, comments, keep in touch, I love hearing from you all.

Peace and love

“See I am doing a new thing, now it springs up, do you not perceive it,

I am making a way in the wilderness,

and streams in the wasteland” Isaiah 43:9

Some of my friends have asked how they can help or support me. Just by being my friend is more than enough as I have lots of Debbie Downer days, so emails, messages, are all good.

I have set up a pay pal account which I use to do the occasional survey. The money from this *which is pennies* then goes to help fund my activities with kids, or to support someone else,physically or emotionally.

Eventually if I ever get anyone interested in, or need of my services, I can still use paypal as a form of easy payment.

I did use paypal to try it to donate to the work of Jamie Rohrbaugh,

whoose timely messages have been really uplifting – Thanks Jamie.

I do not have any fancy sponsor buttons – just a link.

 

download

 

Be a Pal -Support a Pal:)

“Jump? Or not”

Many years ago I stood on the roof top of a very large apartment block. I was with a friend.

It was partly to be rebellious as for safety reasons it was not safe to be there. It was risky, dangerous.

We walked around the ledge 14 storeys high looking down, sheesh was high.

It was wild, free, we laughed.

But later we chatted through our lives as we sat on the edge. My friends dad would beat him regularly, my life was going down the pan. We were both spiralling having given up on life and not caring about consequences.

I stood up on the ledge and looked down, my friend further away did the same. The same thought came to our minds……..to jump!

As I was about to a voice appeared to whisper to me.. “do not jump I love you”

The word “love” was a dirty word to me so not one I used. The voice whispered again… “I love you”

Tears fell from my face uncontrollably. I had not heard those words said meaningfully in many many years. I Cried.

I stepped back and pulled my friend away, and said.. “don’t jump, I love you mate…”

As crowds had gathered and sirens were roaring… We left the roof and never spoke of it again or shared it..

SO what do you think of when you hear the word “Jump?” What thoughts or emotions go through your head?

“Jump just jump”

– Imagine the scene! (or perhaps read the one below instead)

Emergency, Exit, Green, White, Direction

A parent is encouraging their child to jump into the water at the local swimming pool. The parent is there, arms open wide, their child inches away, but for some reason the child will not jump.

“I got you, I got you, you will be fine.” the parent soothes expectantly, and hopeful..

I will catch you! you will be safe!

The parent just wonders why their child does not trust them or what is stopping them.

The child looks first at the water, then to the parent, then back at the water. It sees the deep deep water, “what if I sink? what if my parent does not catch me, what if I fall?…….”

Then.. at that moment (or an eternity for the parent) the child makes the decision.. jump and face the consequences (which they know) of not jumping or jump and not know.. can they.. will they trust …is this faith to jump?

Have you ever been afraid of something, and you just do not know why? It is crazy right?

Sometimes there can be no rhyme or reason , or something you can put your finger on yet – yet there it is that “THING” again that just stops you!

Perhaps this blog is not you, and you can breathe because you can relax! You took that jump or several.. you have no issues with trust!

“Wow” – I so want to be that person, I want to be you! FEARLESS.

I did not want to write this blog today because it meant owning up to the fact that:

I have fears and insecurities – I have doubts and trust issues.

I do not want to admit that or share that with the world!

I am a man, an adult, what is that about?

I do not know how to deal with the above emotions it is hard, so hard..so when people share these things with me, I can relate, I can so relate, but I think it is ok to be scared!

I will say that again, It is ok to be scared!

Fear although can stop us, and be a self-defense mechanism to keep us safe, but being sacred is also about saying – “do you know what.. I am worried..”

And now…… we can “dialogue” – I love that word. I had to actually look up that word then, but this is what the first site said:

“To take part in a conversation or discussion to resolve a problem”

Origin Middle English: from Old French dialoge, via Latin from Greek dialogos, from dialegesthai ‘converse with’, from dia ‘through’ + legein ‘speak’.

So now we are speaking or voicing our worries…and maybe we can get answers to these problems, by talking them through, or finding out.

I was scared about two things tonight

Firstly:

Writing this blog today because I know there are things in my life which I need to “jump” into which are huge pools for me and unknown…

The second thing was using the phone and chatting to a friend who I have known for years.

But.…what harm could come to me writing a simple blog or speaking to a friend.

It is fair to add that it also “ok” not to “jump” sometimes the pressures to jump can have the opposite effect, in my first story, life was so bad I thought about it. If yours is… If you need to vent or dialogue, get in touch or chat to someone.

If we are asked to jump, and we are not ready, this may not end well, but other times we jump with hope and, faith, or fingers crossed in some circumstances.

Some of us may even do a risk assessment before we do anything and weigh up the risks. – welcome to risk management.

Jump or not jump?

“ToDay I JumPed.”

Image result for scared to jump in pool

If you need to dialogue with somebody, or have no where to go or no one to go to, but you want help getting over your fears.

Contact me anytime:My door is always open

Image result for scared to jump in deep water

Your way – Yah!!:) #blogforlife

Refinersway@gmail.com

Wondering if you are in tbe right job? I came across this.

Going Nowhere.

A few people have been talking to me about this feeling of life not going anywhere, they feel like they are drifting, have nothing to offer, or no value, they want more but…….
I feel like this sometimes, so if this is you or some one you know, this blog is just for you.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting thought the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing?”

I was in a place of questioning life, everything, doubts, self issues, you name it, and as depressed as I became I began to grapple the above questions, even more so when this song came on. In the end I had to search for it, but in a way it was like the “Alpha and Omega” beginning and end for me.

I am not a fan of being called “baby” as a term of affection, but as I write this blog right now, I am actually re thinking that word “baby” as a way of describing .. an actual “baby” like someone is singing to a baby inspiring it, encouraging it to be great. As mature as we may be, I think there will always be that inner child in us, and to our parents, we will always be their child.

For those this blog is for, you will get what I am talking about and relate to a level. For others of you, who are are not in this place yourself – awesome, but you may come across others who are – YOU CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE and not – GIVE LIFE!

This song is not everyone’s flavor, but look beyond personal preferences, if only for those folks that need you. “You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine.”

 

 

 

 

 

“You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow”

 

If you want to talk, share, or need someone to chat through stuff

Go for it………………………………..IGNITE THE LIGHT

 

Backpack baby

Imagine you are have been given custody of a child for a short time. You have been tasked by the agency that within this time you are to prepare this baby for the biggest thing they will ever have to face.

Its called “Life!”

Let’s face it, you have experience in this. You are living testimonies, and have survived so far right.

Just for fun, and pure imagination.. You are tasked with equipping this baby so it’s ready, but you only have a short time and dont know how long you have it for, but you have to make it “ready” as much as you are able.

The backpack is a metaphorical one.

What advice would you give this baby in order to prepare it for “life? ”

What are the things you wished someone had told you, or that you wish you had listened to?

If you was to leave a legacy or a footprint in life, what would it be?

Tick tock! 🙂

connections

 

 

I feel like a precious glass vase that somehow has a crack in it and holes, and that vase once full of one thing is now being filled with others – trying to be debt free,support myself and my family, trying to find “my Voice” my “identity” “my way”, trying to set up a digital lifestyle so I can “work on my terms”

what if anything do I have to say that’s of any value, and is there any point to these blogs  of mine- in fact what is my point? Have you ever felt like that?

I guess we all have our reasons for being on here but one way or another I feel we are all connected whether we know it yet or not.

I want to connect with those that feel unconnected or disconnected, the strugglers, the survivors, the success story tellers, the trying hard but missing the mark, the believers, the non non believers, the coffee and tea drinkers and everything inbetweeners.

This blog is to connect those that have been  wronged  and wronged others, for the raw, for the hurt-for the survivor. It offers a safe place to be true to one self.

Here is for the lost and the abandoned and forgotten. The prodigals,the searchers, the left behinders and back sliders.

This blog is for all who needs some one.

I feel like we are that missing piece to each others jigsaws.

For those that feel like they have crashed and burned, this a song by savage garden.

Have a good day.

“if you need to crash and burn you are not alone”

<><

Thank you joypassiondesire  for allowing me to use the pic and your encouraging words:) and a special mention to A.P……

I love you guys, my wpbffs.

Inbox Insanity

I am looking in my inbox today, and in a way it’s great, as I never feel alone. when I look in this, a lot of people want my attention, I must be popular, right!

but then I look and it’s……….kinda overwhelming. There is so much trash in my life, and this is just one email address.  Oh my!

I want to press the the “delete all” button, but know I must sift through at some point and keep what is good and get rid of the trash.

As I am reflecting on this, it got me thinking that life is perhaps like this sometimes. We take on stuff, or sign up to stuff, and take on more and more and more stuff, and on top of this there is the life demands. I do not know how people cope? what are their strategies, I want in!

I want to scream “stop!” jump on a grey hound bus and say “see ya lata” and escape, or hail a “yellow taxi” in New York, or sail down the river in Paris, or drink fine coffee in Italy, do something crazy like a skinny dip in a cool pond, and then I shall return,

breathe………….

Maybe I can’t afford to escape in the physical, but in that moment all burdens were off, it felt amazing!

Thank you to those who follow me, and for likes, and being a part of this thing we call life.

#Together we can get through

#share your strategy.

#dream get aways

Have a great day:)

<><

Travel light, travel in sight.

I would like to travel more and see the world more.

I wonder about the 7 wonders and wonder what’s worth wondering.

Pisa was nice and the pizza was nicer,

 

DSC00081
lean on me, when you are not strong – yep me outside this fine tower, walking up was monumental!

loved France very oo la la at the Moulin Rouge, nice show and ladies with large…..skirts, expensive perfume and croque madames.

Belgium had beers- cheers!

The Great Wall was indeed great,

Greece wasn’t at all greasy, Zante is a must!

Spain had me in pain scuba diving, but no rain as I ran for the land train,

Dubai was hot but the pools were cool,

went to Jamaica they have lots of plants, and crab racing to pass the time, that and rum punch, all good, all fine.

Denmark had bricks of multicolored lego, and porn on the tv, that made evenings more mellow, which I turned off, or more my mom did, good job as I was a young kid.

Went to Tunisia the waiters were funny, they would run to your tables for tips of money.

Poland was cheap, the flights were a penny, the parks had red squirrels, the bars they had plenty.

Went to Bulgaria skiing, that was great, got up early and stayed up late..

The Dominican Republic was quite divine, dined quite posh and sipped nice wine,

where to next, I will wait and see, but I need more freedom,

Yep travelling is for me.