Today I broke down in tears just listening to a piece of music, have you ever done that?
There was a song I had had in my mind for over two weeks.
I am not sure where it came from or why, but there I was at work, always at work with this tune in my head.
Despite not knowing what it was I was determined to find it and listen to it.
It was almost like I had a date with destiny, and I did not want to miss out on no date.
What was so important about this particular song I had to find out.
So I began my search, and there she was..
Within literally seconds I am in floods of tears. It was like meeting a friend who was waiting for me, who had been waiting for me and here I was a jibbering mess on my knees in a ball in front of them as they put their arms around me, and just held me….
They said nothing, just held me tight, and I sobbed and they held me tighter. They wanted nothing from me.. I had nothing to give, I had nothing to give.
For so so long, years and years I had held on to so much stuff, secrets, abuse. hurts, those things which I had never shared .
I had spent so long surviving it was literally making me weaker and by not dealing with the brokenness, because no one wants to hang out with sad or depressed people, I carried more and more stuff by myself.
Not only did I carry my stuff, I carried years of other peoples brokenness too because they needed someone to be there for them and I would never take that back, they are the most beautiful souled people ever, and I will cherish them.It has been beautiful to see them grow and know I have been a part of their journey,
I refused to ask nothing from these folks only to believe in themselves and where they wanted to be, and to see them flourish was my goal….And how they soared and me so proud.
I found however, each time as heart warming as this was, I knew at some point they would move on or I would have to move on and this has honestly been a lonely journey. As good as a friend they may have become they could not take away what was at my core, and that was fine, I knew this was my journey.
And now I sit and listen to this song on repeat “as time stands still” and it feels like I have come to a time in my life of battle battle battle and finally scarred, bitten, broken, I lift my head… and say to my myself ..”I survived.…..I survived…. but now it is time to stop just existing but to live.. and this means letting go.. not just a bit,, but all…. ALL OF IT!
In this moment, this paused moment, I do not have to be strong, I do not have to be some one elses light, I do not have to be that father, that son, that husband, that colleague, that guru, that happy go lucky person, that annoying person, the person who fails, the person who does not measure up, that person who is never good enough…
NO MATTER WHAT I DO- NEVER GOOD ENOUGH – SHEESH OUCH THAT HURTS.. THAT SHI*S REAL, RIGHT THERE… THERE IT IS….NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
*****Here I am in my utter rawness******
This person stands and tries to lift me up….instead they kneel beside me
I look up and see who it is who is there… and it is me… only a different version, it is hard to explain, but they whisper…. “I have been waiting a long time for you, I do not believe we have met properly but I have been there, you know that right?”
“come!” he says… “It is time!”
“Time for what? “ I ask
“you will see, this is your time…………………………………………………………….”
I get up leaving all my baggage. I do not need that for where I am going. I am now free.
I am free!
It has taken a long time to get here!
As I look around behind me, those who I have helped both dead and alive are standing together ushering me on…… and together they say…..
“This is your time… thank you for helping us, but it is now time to help yourself… and guess what, if ever you need us.. we are still here, we got your back..but go now… its time to go now………”
and it reminds me from the last scene of one of my favorite films “Labyrinth.
“should you need us.”
Thank you everyone, and thank you for reading this!
GOURANGA! (BE HAPPY)