Hi, thank you for dropping by!
I have been absent for a while.
Mentally things have been pretty tricky and I have been close to crisis point a few times. I have survived by focusing on work which itself has had its own challenges, but honestly between us, I have had a few blips and wobbles which have caused me anger and frustration.
I think focus has its place and something I am not that great on.
HOW TO FOCUS?
For me, I have to look further than normal… I call it “the end game” or “the bigger picture” or even “the long game”
I have been struggling with some of life’s fundamental questions AGAIN!
Who am I?
what am I about?
What do I want to achieve?
These are important questions to me as for some unknown reason I need purpose, I crave purpose but also valid reasoning behind them.
To brake these down then:
Who am I?
For those of us who have low self esteem, or have had bad experiences or hear those voices on repeat (I am not talking about schizophrenia) but those of WORTHLESSNESS etc etc, I do not need to go into detail… trying to play new voices on repeat that overcome these is hard. It is not as simple as “snap out of it” or “stop feeling sorry for yourself” These are genuine, crippling, voiced together of years of those words that stuck. You never intended them too, you wish you could vanquish them, however they are there, and some of us live with them.
#words can hurt, #words can scar.
WHO AM I? is also a search for “SELF IDENTITY” Sometimes we can lose ourselves in life, and lose ourselves in identities that are either fake, or shallow, or roles we have to play, or through survival. I wonder which of the “me’s” I have to play is the real “me?”
I re- learned recently when I “got lost” walking home that sometimes you have to get lost in order to be found…but also the question is, were you really lost at all, is a diversion a lost path?
I walked past a reflection the other day – I hate reflections of myself, but I looked, well, glanced. What I saw surprised me. I saw “strong” “proud” “independent” “Fierce” “focused” words I would never associate myself with. That morning was a good productive morning. Ouch I said “productive” another word I never use!
WHAT AM I ABOUT? This question is slightly harder and required some soul searching as again, the temptation is to go into default mode of..”nothing” “I have nothing” “I offer nothing” “I am nothing” and while there are some out there that would love to have me believe this – this is far from the truth and one of those lies of the devil. So I pondered….
I am about helping others, being someone that can be relied on, being a good worker, good friend, good parent. I am a reflector, I am a LIFE CHANGER! I am a being who does not give up in the face of adversity. I am a human being!
What makes us a human being? – what separates us from the animal kingdom? a blog for another time maybe.
I have wanted to walk away from my blog world this last few weeks. I keep asking myself WHAT IS THE POINT of them? of course not said in any positive or productive way.
A friend said recently as I was about to walk away and close up shop, said this..
“what you have to say is important. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t say it. If someone does not comment or whatever, it does not mean that it isn’t read or it hasn’t helped someone. You just do not know!”
My friend asked me what the blog was about…and I told her the content..
At this point my friend went quiet. “Don’t stop writing!” she said.. They are important issues, very important” She turned her head away from me.
At that beautiful moment I realized a deeper side to my friend as though she had confessed something without actually confessing it… I knew as hard as I found it, I had to keep writing.
WHAT DO I WANT TO ACHIEVE? – world fame, recognition, riches? The truth is I really did not know, and perhaps this is why my blogs lacked direction, because I lack direction. My life was reflecting my mindset – chaotic. Perhaps it was hard to ask myself what I wanted to achieve. I was used to riding the waves of life, let others direct me, control me as though what I wanted did not matter, perhaps I did not care!
My parents and teachers would say “he can do anything when he puts his mind to it”
and I guess they were right… but truthfully this was too much like hard work. Do not get me wrong I am not lazy, I just have to seek purpose and meaning to what I want to achieve, and who for! I did not want to compete with others. I did not want to set myself up to fail or to maintain an unsustainable level of achievement.
I began to contemplate my memorable achievements. WHAT ARE YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS?
I used to play a game called “paperboy” on my computer – I wanted to be a paper boy! – I became a paperboy -loved it.
I wanted to work in a fast food place because I love burgers and fries – I got a job working in a fast food place and got to eat burgers n fries. I also got fired as I ate too many burgers and fries.
I wanted to get paid for drinking and chatting to people in bars – I later did get a job doing that.
I wanted a job where I was paid to sleep – I am currently in a job where I get paid to sleep.
I wanted to WRITE AND EARN MONEY ON LINE – I am a little way there.
so my new mission or part of: is to travel and write and eat cake and write and drink coffee and write..oh and get paid at the same time would be great.
As I do have a charitable side I would have to help others to a capacity of sorts.
While out in the community I went to Mcdonalds… and there I was speaking on the phone when a guy began talking to me.
As I invited him over we chatted through life and issues and more life. The guy left with a smile and hope! saying “I haven’t smiled in ages”
Another friend.. needed spirits lifting.. so we spoke and I encouraged him.
It is as if in my desperation I was calling out about my purpose suddenly it is like God made appointments came my way of opportunities to help people where I could offer value. Helping others helps me.
This theme of lack of FEELING VALUED seems to be popping up a lot in peoples lives and work places- all around!
I think if I could change the name of this blog again – which I will not , I would call it the “rest room”
Here is the place where I can be real, be honest, be me, and share. This blog will never be for everyone, it may never be for anyone, but it could be for someone, and that is enough for me.
The future of my blog adventures.
I continue to write for Fedupofbeingpoor please do go and visit, any tips or comments welcome. It is an insight on a mission of striving to thrive rather than survive.
I have just started a link page to a RESOURCE site I am setting up. While it is bare boned at the moment it will be a hub and hive of activity. Feel free to check that out but it is in its infancy. The throne Room
There is also my GPDR policy on there for all my sites.
I will continue to write here. I re- named this site as it relates to a refining process I am going through.
If you need a chat, direction, or someone to listen, or your spirit lifting. Get in touch
God bless you all <><